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terrpuss wrote:
An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by terrorists.
The terrorist leader said, "Before we shoot you, you will be allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk about."
The Englishman replied, "I wish to speak of loyalty and service to the crown."
The Canadian replied, "Since you are involved in a question of national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada, special status, distinct society and uniqueness within diversity."
The American replied, "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts talking."
Q: What do urine samples and Canadian beer have in common?
A: The taste.
A: The taste.
Join:
2008/04/26
Messages:
39
terrpuss wrote:
Q: What do urine samples and Canadian beer have in common?
A: The taste.
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a-head.'
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a-head.'
Join:
2008/04/26
Messages:
39
terrpuss wrote:
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a-head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium, at large.
19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
20. A backward poet writes in-verse.
21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium, at large.
19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
20. A backward poet writes in-verse.
21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
Join:
2008/04/26
Messages:
39
terrpuss wrote:
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium, at large.
19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
20. A backward poet writes in-verse.
21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
Q : what did the ocean say to the beach?
A : nothing, it just waved.
A : nothing, it just waved.
Join:
2008/04/26
Messages:
39
terrpuss wrote:
An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by terrorists.
The terrorist leader said, "Before we shoot you, you will be allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk about."
The Englishman replied, "I wish to speak of loyalty and service to the crown."
The Canadian replied, "Since you are involved in a question of national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada, special status, distinct society and uniqueness within diversity."
The American replied, "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts talking."
A nine year old boy asks his mother, "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well God is both male and female."
This confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well," she says, "God is both black and white."
This really confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?" Feeling a bit out of her depth, but wanting to be consistent, the mother answers, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks...
"Is Michael Jackson God?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well God is both male and female."
This confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well," she says, "God is both black and white."
This really confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?" Feeling a bit out of her depth, but wanting to be consistent, the mother answers, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks...
"Is Michael Jackson God?"
Join:
2008/04/26
Messages:
39
terrpuss wrote:
A nine year old boy asks his mother, "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well God is both male and female."
This confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well," she says, "God is both black and white."
This really confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?" Feeling a bit out of her depth, but wanting to be consistent, the mother answers, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks...
"Is Michael Jackson God?"
Marriage -- Part One...
1) Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence).
2) Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are still attached.
3) Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
4) Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Master's.
5) Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger, and two under the man's eyes.
6) Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
7) Marriage is not just a having a wife but also worries inherited forever.
8) Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-ring
* The Endu-ring
9) Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBORS listen.
10) It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
11) Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that instead.
12) It's true that all men are born free and equal-but some of them get MARRIED!
13) There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
14) A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
15) Conversations between son & father:
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
1) Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence).
2) Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are still attached.
3) Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
4) Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Master's.
5) Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger, and two under the man's eyes.
6) Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
7) Marriage is not just a having a wife but also worries inherited forever.
8) Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-ring
* The Endu-ring
9) Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBORS listen.
10) It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
11) Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that instead.
12) It's true that all men are born free and equal-but some of them get MARRIED!
13) There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
14) A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
15) Conversations between son & father:
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
Join:
2008/04/26
Messages:
39
terrpuss wrote:
Marriage -- Part One...
1) Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence).
2) Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are still attached.
3) Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
4) Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Master's.
5) Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger, and two under the man's eyes.
6) Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
7) Marriage is not just a having a wife but also worries inherited forever.
8) Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-ring
* The Endu-ring
9) Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBORS listen.
10) It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
11) Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that instead.
12) It's true that all men are born free and equal-but some of them get MARRIED!
13) There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
14) A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
15) Conversations between son & father:
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
Marriage -- Part Two...
16) There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married.... and then it was too late!"
17) Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
18) They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
19) When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
20) There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.
21) Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. (Irwin Corey)
22) When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at. (Epperson's law)
23) Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. (Ray Bandy)
24) The more I know about men, the more I like dogs. (Gloria Allred, feminist attorney, 1995)
25) If God wanted women to understand men, football would never have been created. (Anonymous)
26) If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. (Chekhov)
27) Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. (Woody Allen)
28) Once a boy becomes a man, he's a man all his life. But a woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife. (Al Bundy)
29) If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam. ( Johnny Carson)
30) Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back. (Al Bundy)
31) An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. (Agatha Christie)
16) There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married.... and then it was too late!"
17) Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
18) They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
19) When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
20) There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.
21) Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. (Irwin Corey)
22) When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at. (Epperson's law)
23) Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. (Ray Bandy)
24) The more I know about men, the more I like dogs. (Gloria Allred, feminist attorney, 1995)
25) If God wanted women to understand men, football would never have been created. (Anonymous)
26) If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. (Chekhov)
27) Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. (Woody Allen)
28) Once a boy becomes a man, he's a man all his life. But a woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife. (Al Bundy)
29) If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam. ( Johnny Carson)
30) Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back. (Al Bundy)
31) An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. (Agatha Christie)
Join:
2008/04/26
Messages:
39
terrpuss wrote:
An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by terrorists.
The terrorist leader said, "Before we shoot you, you will be allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk about."
The Englishman replied, "I wish to speak of loyalty and service to the crown."
The Canadian replied, "Since you are involved in a question of national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada, special status, distinct society and uniqueness within diversity."
The American replied, "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts talking."
A young blonde lady had the windows in her house replaced with new double-insulated energy efficient windows. Twelve months later, she got a call from the contractor, complaining that the work has been done for a year and she had yet to make the first payment.
The blonde replied, "Now don't try to pull a fast one on me. The salesman who sold me those told me that in one year they would pay for themselves!"
The blonde replied, "Now don't try to pull a fast one on me. The salesman who sold me those told me that in one year they would pay for themselves!"
Join:
2008/04/26
Messages:
39
terrpuss wrote:
An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by terrorists.
The terrorist leader said, "Before we shoot you, you will be allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk about."
The Englishman replied, "I wish to speak of loyalty and service to the crown."
The Canadian replied, "Since you are involved in a question of national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada, special status, distinct society and uniqueness within diversity."
The American replied, "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts talking."
Q : What is the…difference between a poker player and a dog?
A : The dog will eventually stop whining.
I was playing poker…with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
A : The dog will eventually stop whining.
I was playing poker…with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Join:
2008/04/26
Messages:
39
terrpuss wrote:
An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by terrorists.
The terrorist leader said, "Before we shoot you, you will be allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk about."
The Englishman replied, "I wish to speak of loyalty and service to the crown."
The Canadian replied, "Since you are involved in a question of national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada, special status, distinct society and uniqueness within diversity."
The American replied, "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts talking."
Q : Why didn’t the…elephant like to play poker in the jungle?
A : Because there are too many cheetahs.
A : Because there are too many cheetahs.
Join:
2008/04/26
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39
terrpuss wrote:
Q : Why didn’t the…elephant like to play poker in the jungle?
A : Because there are too many cheetahs.
Heaven or Hell for Bill Gates?
Finally, one day, Bill Gates arrives at the entrance gates for Heaven and Hell. St Peter looks at him worried and says "Frankly, Bill, we don't know what to do with you. You can choose either Heaven or Hell. Why don't you look around?"
Bill peeks in Heaven and sees a couple of old boring men, sitting around in armchairs. Then Bill takes a look in Hell and sees some great action: juicy women, sex, drugs, rock and roll, and most of all, gambling and especially poker.
"I love a gamble with poker" says Bill, "I'll go to Hell!"
But once inside, he is immediately tossed into the fire.
"Hey, what's this" Bill yells. "Where are all the women, sex and gambling?"
"Ah," says the devil, with a smirk. "That was just a demo version."
Finally, one day, Bill Gates arrives at the entrance gates for Heaven and Hell. St Peter looks at him worried and says "Frankly, Bill, we don't know what to do with you. You can choose either Heaven or Hell. Why don't you look around?"
Bill peeks in Heaven and sees a couple of old boring men, sitting around in armchairs. Then Bill takes a look in Hell and sees some great action: juicy women, sex, drugs, rock and roll, and most of all, gambling and especially poker.
"I love a gamble with poker" says Bill, "I'll go to Hell!"
But once inside, he is immediately tossed into the fire.
"Hey, what's this" Bill yells. "Where are all the women, sex and gambling?"
"Ah," says the devil, with a smirk. "That was just a demo version."
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terrpuss wrote:
Q : Why didn’t the…elephant like to play poker in the jungle?
A : Because there are too many cheetahs.
A busty blonde sat down at a table in a Las Vegas casino. "I hope you don't mind," she said, "but I play better when I'm naked." She then proceeded to undress. On the very first hand, after some heavy betting, she was head's-up in a monster pot. After the dealer turned over the river card, she flipped her hand over, jumped out of her seat and started screaming, "I won! I won! I won!" The dealer, flustered, pushed her the pot. "What'd she have?" the loser asked the dealer. "I don't know," the dealer said. "I thought YOU were watching.
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2008/04/26
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terrpuss wrote:
Q : Why didn’t the…elephant like to play poker in the jungle?
A : Because there are too many cheetahs.
Before getting a haircut the president asked his stylist Christophe, "How long will this take, how much will it cost, and how good will this look?"
Christophe replied, "Just ten minutes, cost $20, and look marvelous." An hour and fifteen minutes later, the president looked into the mirror in horror and Christophe handed him a bill for $200.
The president gasped, "You took too long, it doesn't look that great, and it's costing me ten times more than you said!"
Christophe replied, "That makes us even."
Christophe replied, "Just ten minutes, cost $20, and look marvelous." An hour and fifteen minutes later, the president looked into the mirror in horror and Christophe handed him a bill for $200.
The president gasped, "You took too long, it doesn't look that great, and it's costing me ten times more than you said!"
Christophe replied, "That makes us even."
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2008/04/26
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terrpuss wrote:
Q : Why didn’t the…elephant like to play poker in the jungle?
A : Because there are too many cheetahs.
LOT'S WIFE: The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'
GOOD SAMARITAN: A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?' A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'
GOOD SAMARITAN: A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?' A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'
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2008/04/26
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terrpuss wrote:
Q : Why didn’t the…elephant like to play poker in the jungle?
A : Because there are too many cheetahs.
DID NOAH FISH?: A Sunday school teacher asked, ' Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?' 'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'
MOSES AND THE RED SEA: Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. 'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.' 'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his mother asked. 'Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'
MOSES AND THE RED SEA: Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. 'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.' 'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his mother asked. 'Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'
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2008/04/26
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terrpuss wrote:
Q : Why didn’t the…elephant like to play poker in the jungle?
A : Because there are too many cheetahs.
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD: A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know'
UNANSWERED PRAYER: The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. 'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.' "How come He doesn't do it?" she asked
UNANSWERED PRAYER: The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. 'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.' "How come He doesn't do it?" she asked
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2008/04/26
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terrpuss wrote:
Q : Why didn’t the…elephant like to play poker in the jungle?
A : Because there are too many cheetahs.
BEING THANKFUL: A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, 'So your mother says your prayers for you each night?’ That's very commendable. What does she say?' The little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'
UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?' Tommy answered, soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did just then!'
TIME TO PRAY A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night. 'Yes, sir,' the boy replied. 'And, do you always say them in the morning, too?' the pastor asked. 'No sir,' the boy replied. 'I ain't scared in the daytime.'
UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?' Tommy answered, soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did just then!'
TIME TO PRAY A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night. 'Yes, sir,' the boy replied. 'And, do you always say them in the morning, too?' the pastor asked. 'No sir,' the boy replied. 'I ain't scared in the daytime.'
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2008/04/26
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terrpuss wrote:
Q : Why didn’t the…elephant like to play poker in the jungle?
A : Because there are too many cheetahs.
ALL MEN/ALL GIRLS: When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, 'and all girls.' As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?' Her response, 'because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All Men'!'
SAY A PRAYER Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. 'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother. 'I don't have to,' the boy replied. 'Of course, you do,' his mother insisted. 'We say a prayer before eating, at our house.' 'That's our house,' Johnny explained. 'but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!
SAY A PRAYER Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. 'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother. 'I don't have to,' the boy replied. 'Of course, you do,' his mother insisted. 'We say a prayer before eating, at our house.' 'That's our house,' Johnny explained. 'but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!
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2008/04/26
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terrpuss wrote:
Q : Why didn’t the…elephant like to play poker in the jungle?
A : Because there are too many cheetahs.
A blonde woman…was on a girls’ weekend in Las Vegas. She stood in front of a candy machine, put in two quarters, turned the knob, and a candy bar fell out. She repeated the process, and again a candy bar fell out. Elated, she tried again as a man approached, saying, “Excuse me miss, what are you doing?”
She said, “Hello! I’m winning here!”
She said, “Hello! I’m winning here!”
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2008/04/26
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The terrorist leader said, "Before we shoot you, you will be allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk about."
The Englishman replied, "I wish to speak of loyalty and service to the crown."
The Canadian replied, "Since you are involved in a question of national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada, special status, distinct society and uniqueness within diversity."
The American replied, "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts talking."