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terrpuss wrote:

Q : Why didn’t the…elephant like to play poker in the jungle?


A : Because there are too many cheetahs.

A man comes home from his weekly poker game late. His annoying wife is waiting for him. “Where the heck have you been?”

“Sorry, but I lost you in a poker game. You’ll have to leave.”

“How did you manage that, you fool?”

“It wasn’t easy. I had to fold a royal flush...”
Join: 2008/04/26 Messages: 39
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terrpuss wrote:

A man comes home from his weekly poker game late. His annoying wife is waiting for him. “Where the heck have you been?”

“Sorry, but I lost you in a poker game. You’ll have to leave.”

“How did you manage that, you fool?”

“It wasn’t easy. I had to fold a royal flush...”

A man hears a voice that tells him “Quit your job, sell your house, and go to Las Vegas.” He ignores it. The next day he hears the same voice telling him “Quit your job, sell your house, and go to Las Vegas.” He ignores it. On a third day, he hears the voice again; saying “Quit your job, sell your house, and go to Las Vegas.” He finally obeys.

Upon arriving in Las Vegas, the voice says, “Go to the Rio.” He does.

At the Rio, the voice says, “Put your last $10,000 on a WSOP entry.” He does.

The first hand of the tournament, the man is dealt A A. “Go all in,” commands the voice. He does and gets three callers. The flop is J T 9. “F*%$!” says the voice.
Join: 2008/04/26 Messages: 39
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terrpuss wrote:

A man comes home from his weekly poker game late. His annoying wife is waiting for him. “Where the heck have you been?”

“Sorry, but I lost you in a poker game. You’ll have to leave.”

“How did you manage that, you fool?”

“It wasn’t easy. I had to fold a royal flush...”

Top Five reasons you are delusional about poker:

1) You think you’re ready for the WSOP because you money in $5 SnGs all the time, dude!
2) You own a killer pair of sunglasses that would make Fossilman jealous.
3) You quote from Rounders whenever you can, especially if someone asks what your cards were. You always answer, “I’m sorry, John. I don’t remember.”
4) You own a minimum of twelve poker books. You’ve read at least two of them.
5) You wear your Party Poker hat and sunglasses to live $1/2 games.
Join: 2008/04/26 Messages: 39
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terrpuss wrote:

A man comes home from his weekly poker game late. His annoying wife is waiting for him. “Where the heck have you been?”

“Sorry, but I lost you in a poker game. You’ll have to leave.”

“How did you manage that, you fool?”

“It wasn’t easy. I had to fold a royal flush...”

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from L.A. to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains how the game works:

"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa."
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures he will easily win the match since his opponent is a blonde, so he makes another offer:
"Okay, how about this. If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50."
This catches the blonde's attention and,
figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth
to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer,
"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.
He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers - all to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer, he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The
blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks,
"Well, so what IS the answer?"
Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
Join: 2008/04/26 Messages: 39
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terrpuss wrote:

A man comes home from his weekly poker game late. His annoying wife is waiting for him. “Where the heck have you been?”

“Sorry, but I lost you in a poker game. You’ll have to leave.”

“How did you manage that, you fool?”

“It wasn’t easy. I had to fold a royal flush...”

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws.

Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him."
Join: 2008/04/26 Messages: 39
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terrpuss wrote:

A man comes home from his weekly poker game late. His annoying wife is waiting for him. “Where the heck have you been?”

“Sorry, but I lost you in a poker game. You’ll have to leave.”

“How did you manage that, you fool?”

“It wasn’t easy. I had to fold a royal flush...”

Q : Do you know how a crazy man that is lost deep in the forest gets out?


A : He takes the psychopath.
Join: 2008/04/26 Messages: 39
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terrpuss wrote:

A man comes home from his weekly poker game late. His annoying wife is waiting for him. “Where the heck have you been?”

“Sorry, but I lost you in a poker game. You’ll have to leave.”

“How did you manage that, you fool?”

“It wasn’t easy. I had to fold a royal flush...”

An accountant was walking along in the country when he came upon a shepherd. The accountant says,
"Listen, Farmer, I can guess how many sheep you have."
The farmer starts to laugh:
"I have a lot of sheep. You'll never guess how many."
"Do you want to make a bet?" asks the accountant. "If I can guess how many sheep you have, you'll give me one of your sheep. If I can't, I'll pay you $100."
The shepherd concedes: "Ok, how many there are?"
"You have exactly 1,354 sheep," says the accountant.
The shepherd is shocked: "Incredible! I really do have 1,354 sheep! Well, a bet's a bet. Choose the sheep you want."
"OK, I'll take this one," says the accountant, picking it up.
Wait for a moment, sir," says the shepherd. "Let's make another bet: If I guess your job, you will give me back my sheep, and if I don't, you can take another one." The accountant agrees to the bet and the shepherd
says, "You are an accountant."
"Unbelievable! That's true! But how did you know?" wonders the accountant.
"Give me back my dog, and I'll explain."
Join: 2008/04/26 Messages: 39
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terrpuss wrote:

An accountant was walking along in the country when he came upon a shepherd. The accountant says,
"Listen, Farmer, I can guess how many sheep you have."
The farmer starts to laugh:
"I have a lot of sheep. You'll never guess how many."
"Do you want to make a bet?" asks the accountant. "If I can guess how many sheep you have, you'll give me one of your sheep. If I can't, I'll pay you $100."
The shepherd concedes: "Ok, how many there are?"
"You have exactly 1,354 sheep," says the accountant.
The shepherd is shocked: "Incredible! I really do have 1,354 sheep! Well, a bet's a bet. Choose the sheep you want."
"OK, I'll take this one," says the accountant, picking it up.
Wait for a moment, sir," says the shepherd. "Let's make another bet: If I guess your job, you will give me back my sheep, and if I don't, you can take another one." The accountant agrees to the bet and the shepherd
says, "You are an accountant."
"Unbelievable! That's true! But how did you know?" wonders the accountant.
"Give me back my dog, and I'll explain."

Q: whats the hardest thing about rollerblading?

A: telling your parents that you are gay.
Join: 2008/04/26 Messages: 39
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terrpuss wrote:

Q : What is the…difference between a poker player and a dog?


A : The dog will eventually stop whining.





I was playing poker…with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I heard a funny story about Doyle from a dealer. The dealer had been dealing earlier in the day in Bobby's room to Doyle and 3 other palyers who were playing Chinese poker. The waitress brought Doyle a drink who after tipping her could not find find his poker hand. Doyle, the other players and the dealer looked all over for his hand before Doyle finally realized that he put the hand in his pocket when he was fishing for a tip for the waitress. The dealer said the players could not stop laughing about it and Doyle heard more than one "senile" comment.
Join: 2009/02/14 Messages: 61
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luckytvguy wrote:

I heard a funny story about Doyle from a dealer. The dealer had been dealing earlier in the day in Bobby's room to Doyle and 3 other palyers who were playing Chinese poker. The waitress brought Doyle a drink who after tipping her could not find find his poker hand. Doyle, the other players and the dealer looked all over for his hand before Doyle finally realized that he put the hand in his pocket when he was fishing for a tip for the waitress. The dealer said the players could not stop laughing about it and Doyle heard more than one "senile" comment.

A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four year old son standing at the fence soaking in the whole event. The man thought to himself, "Great, he's four and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun....I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer." After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said,"Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he rear ended that cow?"
Join: 2008/04/19 Messages: 119
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greywind050 wrote:

A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four year old son standing at the fence soaking in the whole event. The man thought to himself, "Great, he's four and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun....I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer." After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said,"Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he rear ended that cow?"

A magician was working on a cruise ship. The audience changed each week, so the magician repeated the tricks. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and learned the tricks. He started shouting: "Look, it's not the same hat." "He's hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship ran into trouble and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in mid-ocean with the parrot. They stared at each other for three days. Finally, the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"…
Join: 2008/04/19 Messages: 119
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terrpuss wrote:

Q : What is the…difference between a poker player and a dog?


A : The dog will eventually stop whining.





I was playing poker…with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I hate the terrorist but that was funny lol :1orglaugh
Join: 2009/08/02 Messages: 66
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jach25 wrote:

I hate the terrorist but that was funny lol :1orglaugh

Before you criticize people, you should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them...

you are a mile away from them...

and you have their shoes. :1orglaugh
Join: 2008/04/19 Messages: 119
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greywind050 wrote:

Before you criticize people, you should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them...

you are a mile away from them...

and you have their shoes. :1orglaugh

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: “So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?”

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! :1orglaugh
Join: 2008/04/19 Messages: 119
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greywind050 wrote:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: “So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?”

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! :1orglaugh

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter; she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No'. I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?' 'No,' he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled “SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!' While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
Join: 2008/04/19 Messages: 119
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greywind050 wrote:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter; she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No'. I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?' 'No,' he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled “SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!' While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.' My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
Join: 2008/04/19 Messages: 119
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greywind050 wrote:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.' My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men’s balls.
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