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I was on the toilet for so long the other day, i finally said to myself, im getting too old for this shit.
Join: 2008/04/26 Messages: 39
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terrpuss wrote:

I was on the toilet for so long the other day, i finally said to myself, im getting too old for this shit.

A farmer is arrested for having sex with one of his cows.
during the arraignment, the judge looks at him and asks,
"son, what the hell were you thinking?"
"well," says the farmer, "i reckon i was thinking about a younger, hotter cow."
Join: 2008/04/26 Messages: 39
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terrpuss wrote:

I was on the toilet for so long the other day, i finally said to myself, im getting too old for this shit.

"can you believe my stupid husband wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker?" a housewife tells her neighbor.
"what are you going to do?" asks the neighbor.
"the first thing i need to do is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months."
Join: 2008/04/26 Messages: 39
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terrpuss wrote:

I was on the toilet for so long the other day, i finally said to myself, im getting too old for this shit.

Q : whats the difference between a pro poker player and a large pizza?

A : a large pie can feed a family of four.
Join: 2008/04/26 Messages: 39
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terrpuss wrote:

I was on the toilet for so long the other day, i finally said to myself, im getting too old for this shit.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "jennifer, pack your things. i just won the world series of poker."
"should i pack for warm weather or cold?" she asks.
"i dont care," he says. "just as long as you're out of the house by noon."
Join: 2008/04/26 Messages: 39
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terrpuss wrote:

I was on the toilet for so long the other day, i finally said to myself, im getting too old for this shit.

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.
The next week, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row.
The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.
Join: 2008/04/26 Messages: 39
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terrpuss wrote:

I was on the toilet for so long the other day, i finally said to myself, im getting too old for this shit.

I am a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I have been happily dating for over a year - and so we've decided to take the next step and get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It is her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law is twenty-two, wears very tight miniskirts, and generally goes braless. She regularly bends down when she's near me. The view is always compelling . I'm thinking it has to be deliberate because she never does it when she's near anyone else.

One day 'little' sister calls and asks me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She's all alone when I arrive and whispers she has feelings and desires for me she can no longer overcome. She tells me she wants me just once be fore I get married and commit my life to her sister.

Well, I'm in total shock and can't say a word. Then she says, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom. If you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.


I am, needless to say, stunned and frozen in shock as I watch that wholesome hardbody climb the stairs.

I stand there for a moment, then turn and make a beeline straight to the front door. I open the door and head straight for my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family is standing outside, all clapping!


With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugs me and says, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car
Join: 2008/04/26 Messages: 39
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terrpuss wrote:

I was on the toilet for so long the other day, i finally said to myself, im getting too old for this shit.

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
Join: 2008/04/26 Messages: 39
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terrpuss wrote:

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

ANOTHER DUMB BLONDE JOKE;


Blonde call the fire department.....Help, help, my apartments burnng down!

reponse...calm down madam, just let me know how to get there?

Blonde........DUHHHHHHHH, big red truck😡😡😡😡😡!!
Join: 2008/04/26 Messages: 39
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terrpuss wrote:

I was on the toilet for so long the other day, i finally said to myself, im getting too old for this shit.

Blonde pulls into a service station and asks the attendant to add some 710 fluid. The guy has no idea what she's talking about. So she hands him the 710 cap. He smirks, turns it over, and lets her know that he'll be right back with a couple of quarts of 710 fluid.
Join: 2008/04/26 Messages: 39
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terrpuss wrote:

I was on the toilet for so long the other day, i finally said to myself, im getting too old for this shit.

Q : Why was the blonde girl's belly button red?

A : She has a blonde boyfriend.
Join: 2008/04/26 Messages: 39
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terrpuss wrote:

Q : Why was the blonde girl's belly button red?

A : She has a blonde boyfriend.

OOh i got one,



Whats the differance between "Jam" and "Jelly"?

mm?

well you can never "Jelly" it up someones (_o_) !HA!



ok one more.

What do Sex, Oxygen, and Money have in common?
mmm?

None of them are any big deal,

unless you're not getting any, :/
Join: 2008/07/17 Messages: 46
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Lake1771 wrote:

OOh i got one,



Whats the differance between "Jam" and "Jelly"?

mm?

well you can never "Jelly" it up someones (_o_) !HA!



ok one more.

What do Sex, Oxygen, and Money have in common?
mmm?

None of them are any big deal,

unless you're not getting any, :/

Here some....

"Gracie, why should I give your mother a bushel of nuts? What'd she ever give me?" "Why, George, she gave you me. And I'm as good as nuts."

""Gracie, did the maid ever drop you on your head when you were a baby?" "Don't be silly, George, we couldn't afford a maid. My mother had to do it.""

""Gracie, would you like a Doctor? "One at a time, kiddo, I'm not through with you yet.""
Join: 2008/04/19 Messages: 119
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