Let your mouth speak archive

Hi and welcome!

Work on your poker skills and someday you will achieve your goals!

The ball is moving :dance:

Hi all, i am a new user of ixgames

i live in france, and sorry for my poor english. i'm old 39 years, and my passion is poker, and horses racing.

i play poker on internet eessencialy (3 years ago) and in live party in casino (cash game).

my favorites rooms: full tllt, pokerstars, and few Ipoker rooms

see you on tables

Teacher, and Skippy, and Politically Correct...


FPRIVATE "TYPE=PICT;ALT="
Teacher, Teacher
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principals office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: " What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps in to?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principals eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Skippy
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog a nd yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Politically Correct...
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I' ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing infront of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter

Welcome: Welcome Aboard Welcome:
See you at the felt.

Welcome all!

Enjoy your stay at ixgames!

Share your knowledge with the community!

Friday "QUOTES THAT MAKE YOU THINK." This week we focus on Father's Day...
My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come out and say, "You're tearing up the grass." "We're not raising grass," Dad would reply. "We're raising boys."
- Harmon Killebrew
He didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.
- Clarence Budington Kelland
Old as she was, she still missed her daddy sometimes.
- Gloria Naylor
I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father's protection.
- Sigmund Freud
Blessed indeed is the man who hears many gentle voices call him father!
- Lydia M. Child
A father is always making his baby into a little woman. And when she is a woman he turns her back again.
- Enid Bagnold
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
- Bill Cosby
You know, fathers just have a way of putting everything together.
- Erika Cosby
To be a successful father . . . there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.
- Ernest Hemingway
By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong.
- Charles Wadsworth
A man knows when he is growing old because he begins to look like his father.
- Gabriel García Márquez
Fathers, like mothers, are not born. Men grow into fathers and fathering is a very important stage in their development.
- David Gottesman
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
- Mark Twain
Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
- Red Buttons

The Why's of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And the personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart !
=====================
One for the ladies
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, 'University of Oklahoma.'

And they say blondes are dumb...
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
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Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
==============================

Inspiration, and Three Kick, and Late Night...





High School Inspiration...

Every year, English teachers from across the country submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country.

Here are last year's winners.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 pm. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

============================================================

The Three Kick Rule...

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As he climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule.”

The lawyer asked, “What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?”

The farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot! Now, it’s my turn!”

The old farmer smiled and said, “No, I give up. You can have the duck!”

==============================================================

The Best of Late Night...

"When President Bush heard gas was an average of $4 all over the country, he said, 'But how much is it in the city?'" -Jay Leno

"Yesterday, Barack Obama said his differences with Hillary Clinton are 'infinitesimal, tiny, minute, trivial, and inconsequential.' When he heard this, President Bush said, 'That guy knows way too many words to be president.'" -Conan O'Brien

"There’s a salmonella outbreak; they believe it’s linked to tomatoes. You don’t realize how much you eat tomatoes until you can’t get them anymore. Today I was forced to order a BLB, which is bacon, lettuce, and more bacon." -Jimmy Kimmel


"Brutal heat wave going on. In fact, to get out of the heat, even straight guys are going to see 'Sex and the City.'" -Conan O'Brien


"Apparently Barack

With the US presidential election approaching, gaming experts are increasingly preoccupied with the question of whether online gambling will start being regulated nationally.

Gambling experts believes the US will get on the regulatory wave after the November election.

(The online gaming market will continue to expand regardless of decision to regulate. Consumer demand and industry growth will force governments to act).

:thumbsup

Devil's Dictionary and Shopping and Nursing Home ...





The Devil's Dictionary...

1. BACKBITE, v.t.
To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you.

2. BEAUTY, n.
The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.

3. BELLADONNA, n.
In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.

4. BORE, n.
A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

5. BRIDE, n.
A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

6. DIPLOMACY, n.
The patriotic art of lying for one's country.

7. FEMALE, n.
One of the opposing, or unfair, sex.

8. GHOST, n.
The outward and visible sign of an inward fear.

9. GRAVE, n.
A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.

10. GUILLOTINE, n.
A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders with good reason.

11. HEARSE, n.
Death's baby-carriage.

12. IMPUNITY, n.
Wealth.

13. KILL, v.t.
To create a vacancy without nominating a successor.

14. MISFORTUNE, n.
The kind of fortune that never misses.

15. OUTDO, v.t.
To make an enemy.

16. PEACE, n.
In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.

17. RIOT, n.
A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders.

18. RUMOR, n.
A favorite weapon of the assassins of character.

19. SAINT, n.
A dead sinner revised and edited.

20. SELFISH, adj.
Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.

=============================================================

Shopping

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart's and the husband picks up a case of Budweiser and put it in their shopping cart.

”What do you think you're doing?” asks the wife.

“They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,” he replies.

“Put them back, we can't afford them,” demands the wife. So he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and put it in the shopping cart.

“What do you think you're doing?” asks the husband.

“Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.”

====================================================

Nursing Home

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

They ask,"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

Ixgames gets a lot of Chinese gamblers from many different search engines. I just take me the time to say hello and welcome!!

:dirol

Welcome China :thumbsup

Girl Toys Too

A little boy is playing with his new football and a little girl asks if she can play. He tells her, "No. These are for boys."

The little girl runs into the house and tells her mother. The next day the girl sticks her tongue out at the boy and waves her new football in his face. The little boy angrily points to his boy's bike and says, "Oh yeah? Well, only boys can get these!"

But the next day, the little girl has the same bike. The little boy gets furious, pulls down his pants, points to his unit, and says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!"

The next day he walks by and the little girl promptly pulls up her dress, points to her bits, and proclaims, "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of those as I want."

Hahahaha

Great find, made my morning, thanks :1orglaugh

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you’re thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I’ve got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that’s sucking on the ice cream."
Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking!

Thumbs up for you 'jayman' 😄

Welcome to the modern China

Global gambling revenue is estimated to pass $155 billion in 2012 after growing at an annually compounded rate of 6.5 percent per year, according to a PricewaterhouseCoopers LLP report released Wednesday.

Revenue from the Asia Pacific region will hit $37.2 billion in 2012 compared with $18.3 billion in 2007.

Total gambling revenue in the United States will remain well ahead of other regions, growing at 4 percent annually from $60.3 billion in 2007 to $73.3 billion in 2012, the report said.

:dirol

Why Chocolate is Better Than Sex
1) You can GET chocolate whenever you want.
2) "If you love me, you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4) Two People of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6) You can have chocolate in front of your mother.
7) If you bite nuts too hard, the chocolate won't mind.
8) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11) You can have chocolate any time of the month.
12) You don't get hairs in your mouth when eating chocolate.
13) When you have chocolate it does not keep the neighbors awake.
14) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
15) You can have as many kinds of chocolate that you can handle.
16) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
17) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
18) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
19) Good chocolate is easy to find.
20) With chocolate, size doesn't matter.

Hay ya'll,
Any NPPL members here. I play once, twice a week in VA. Great way to get live skills up for a low/no fee/buyin. ND THERE ARE PRIZES AND ETC.. TO BOOT.
Peace,
FlowJoe
Welcome: :dance: